So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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