i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
