note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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