arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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