I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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