U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
