o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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