Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
