I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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