my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
