Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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