You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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