her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
His nipple licking is glorious
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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