I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
