My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
