She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
