I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize