He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I touched a dick in church today
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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