Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
