heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
