dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
