Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
This is the high leading the old right now
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize