If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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