if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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