I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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