Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
