it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
