My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
