omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
