She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
