I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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