After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
