dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
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I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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