I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
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You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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