I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
And then he peed in my hair
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