I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wish I only lived at night.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
