are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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