Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
