I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
