she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
