I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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