I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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