all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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