I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
someone owes me an orgasm
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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