Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
