i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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