im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
