so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
