I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
