He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
