At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
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That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
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I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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