mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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