The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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