i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
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The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
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The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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