Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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