I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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