I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
